The Disintigration of Western Civilization Part 3: There Are Too Many Worthless Holidays

A holiday is meant to be a time of merriment and/or reverence. It should be spectacular. It should be a day off for more than just letter carriers and bankers. In the United States of America we have too many days marked on our calendars as holdiays that are none of the above.


When was the last time anyone threw an arbor day party? Does anyone other than bankers and postal workers celebrate Martin Luther King Day or President's Day? How many people curse Martin Luther King Day or President's Day because the bank's not open for them to cash a check or because the check that's in the mail is going to be a day later than expected?


Now, President Lincoln, President Washington, and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. are all admirable men who did great things for this country, but maybe we should do something to actually endear their memories to people, like give everyone except banks and the post office the day off. With pay.

There are a lot of saints. From what I understand there are days for all of them. For whatever reason, Patrick and Valentine are the only ones whose days are paid much attention by the American populace. I guess green beer and/or chocolate are popular.
Saint Valentine's Day is a total Hallmark holiday. It exists to prop up the candy industry between Christmas and Easter and the greating card industry after Christmas.

Saint Patrick's Day is something of a mystery to me. In what way did a Saint associated with the Catholic Church endorse green minty milkshakes? Other than that, I've got no problem with it. Any excuse to listen to my Pogues and Dropkick Murphys albums is a good excuse.

Arbor Day and Flag Day are the quintessential worthless holidays. Nobody throws a party for them. I think they don't even bother with closing the banks and not delivering the mail on these days, so really they are totally unmarked.

I have no idea how people react to Secretaries's Day. I work in fast food and as a bus boy. This means I do not have a secretary and I will never have a secretary. I imagine that having to get the obligatory card is an annoyance to those who do, but quite honestly if your position within a company affords you a secretary, I have no sympathy for you.

Super Bowl Sun Day has become a sort of unofficial holiday here in the U.S.A. I don't like football and don't care about wierd advertising that costs a lot of money to air. About the one good thing to come out of the Super Bowl is the Janet Jackson incident.

Independence Day/ The Fourth of July can be fun. When you mix drunken red necks with explosives fun often ensues. American freedom is also a nifty idea. Let me know when it arrives.

I like Halloween. It's an excuse to dress up the way I normally would: cape, skull jewelry, and black nail polish and then go out in public. There's also the free candy. Unfortunately, now that I'm over twenty, people frown on me trick or treating myself . In past years, I've gotten around that by borrowing my younger brother and his friends and claiming that I'm just escorting them.

Christmas is okay by me too. I like giving and receiving gifts. It also falls on Sol Invictus, so it's a holiday on a Holy Day.

All in all, though there are definitely too many worthless holidays.